This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
