i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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