why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You're like the curious george of whores
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize