Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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