She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You can't special order awesome
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
