please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
