Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize