after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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