I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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