and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
