I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Randomize
