I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
