Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
