yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
