how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
