id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
