As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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