fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
