I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Hippo gnu deer
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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