Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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