You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
last night I used snow as a chaser
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
