i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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