The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
