don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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