Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
