im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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