All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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