You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
