How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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