we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
there is glitter all over my balls
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
