I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
