my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
