Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
