I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
