happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
