I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
