Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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