When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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