I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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