I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
