I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
