I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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