I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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