I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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