The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
