Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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