i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
