I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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