Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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