When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
