I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
