Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
