I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
