I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
