I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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