my phone needs a breathalizer
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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