ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
