Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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